Gratitude and Wisdom From My Greatest Teacher

It’s the day before Thanksgiving and gratitude and sadness coexist so easily in my heart.

As I look ahead to tomorrow, I am reminded of years past when I would be cooking sweet potatoes and planning dinner for my husband and me. When I am alone I find my heart missing the parts of him that I still love. The healing is so slow and painful, yet I welcome it in, for it is also unwavering and infinite in its revelations.

Now that I am releasing the long-held comfort and burden of victimhood I realize that, through everything—even the risk of losing the marriage—he was always his authentic self. The good and the bad. In all our 32 years together he never tried to be anything but who he was–even if it hurt me.

But I tried to change him and I fought with myself to be anything I thought he wanted me to be, in an attempt to control his behavior. I wasn’t ready to make the decisions I needed to make for myself around what simply “was”.

Now that I am finally discovering what it’s like be myself, I get to see that he never wavered from being his, no matter the cost. I think part of me even respects that.

I believe that all our experiences are our teachers, so I sit in the wisdom and understanding of what I have chosen to learn.

And I sit in Gratitude.

I thank my ex-husband and my marriage. I am grateful for every experience and every decision I have made in my life–for they were all intended to bring me here, where I can discover my best self. And I am on it!

I graciously accept yet another lesson from the greatest teacher of my life.

Nice Try, Alcohol–But I’m Recovering My Everything

Well, alcohol, it took 55 years but I can finally say that you did not—and will not—take me down.

I’ll give you credit, you don’t give up. You are very quiet and cunning.

When I was a child, you convinced my father to choose you over me, and no matter how hard I tried to show him I was worth it, I saw him forget about me time and time again. It didn’t matter if it was a birthday party or a confirmation or an entire weekend—you ruined it all.

Everything always revolved around you.

You slither into the lives of the weak and the troubled. You prey on their confusion and fear by disguising yourself as a helpful and trusted friend. I’ve let you do that to me too.

You pose as a comfort and a confidant—but all you really do is trick people into going to a dark place where they depend on you and only you.

Well you may be disappointed to know this, but no matter how hard you tried, you didn’t ruin my life after all.

Because I am taking your crazy and FLIPPING IT into Read more Nice Try, Alcohol–But I’m Recovering My Everything

Jump Into The Pool Party Of Acceptance

I live in a very noisy apartment complex where just about everyone is under 30 (and I am not). Sometimes finding acceptance around that is tough.

Today, when the pool party started and my serenity slowly disappeared, I felt irritated, negative and angry. I started wondering what I could do to make them stop. Don’t I have a right to live in my apartment in peace? Don’t they even care that their loud music and raised voices are bothering others? How can people be so inconsiderate? And on and on.

Then all of a sudden I stopped and realized that there was nothing I could do about these dozens of people or about any other people in the world who are doing something I don’t like.

And if that’s true, then I am the creator of my own dis-ease. My own lack of serenity. Then if that’s true, how can I be the creator of my own peace?

Acceptance works better.

What serves me is to accept what is. And what is is that I choose to live here knowing about the pool, people are going to use the pool and I can either accept it or fight it. So I decide to accept it.

And and I end up wondering what my irritation could be here to teach me. And what it is teaching me is to remember what Abraham Hicks said. That what you think about you create and if you are feeling negative emotion that means you are negatively creating and if you are feeling positive emotion you are positively creating. So I decide I want to positively create.

I picture myself in the serene and calm writing environment I wish for and focus on how can I make this happen for myself. I test these options to see what feels right:

1.  I can close all my windows in the middle of summer (tried that—didn’t help)

2.  I can write some other time (no, I reserved this time to write)

3.  I can go somewhere else to write (possibly)

4.  I can listen to soothing music in my headphones while I write (YES!)

So that’s what I do. And lo and behold, I have serenity.

Abraham Hicks also says:

“Look at a problem as a question summoning an answer” (I love that one)

So, what is the question and what is the answer?

Question: How can this serve me instead of irritate me?

Answer: By focusing on what I don’t want I am able to see what I do want, then I can use this situation as a catalyst to push me to create what I need to do to propel me into the life and environment that I want. It is here to advance me. Then I actually said thank you to the party people for showing me what I need to know.

One last thing Abraham says: “Nothing you desire is upstream”. So I will let the paddles of the canoe go and it will naturally float to what is thriving—my health, my job, my friendships, my spirit, my writing.

Acceptance, it turns out, is a pretty good place to be.