It’s the day before Thanksgiving and gratitude and sadness coexist so easily in my heart.
As I look ahead to tomorrow, I am reminded of years past when I would be cooking sweet potatoes and planning dinner for my husband and me. When I am alone I find my heart missing the parts of him that I still love. The healing is so slow and painful, yet I welcome it in, for it is also unwavering and infinite in its revelations.
Now that I am releasing the long-held comfort and burden of victimhood I realize that, through everything—even the risk of losing the marriage—he was always his authentic self. The good and the bad. In all our 32 years together he never tried to be anything but who he was–even if it hurt me.
But I tried to change him and I fought with myself to be anything I thought he wanted me to be, in an attempt to control his behavior. I wasn’t ready to make the decisions I needed to make for myself around what simply “was”.
Now that I am finally discovering what it’s like be myself, I get to see that he never wavered from being his, no matter the cost. I think part of me even respects that.
I believe that all our experiences are our teachers, so I sit in the wisdom and understanding of what I have chosen to learn.
And I sit in Gratitude.
I thank my ex-husband and my marriage. I am grateful for every experience and every decision I have made in my life–for they were all intended to bring me here, where I can discover my best self. And I am on it!
I graciously accept yet another lesson from the greatest teacher of my life.