Unblock Your Abundance

“For the earnest student, taking responsibility means never forgetting to have fun.”

Seriously,

   The Universe 

(Taken from “Notes From The Universe”)

I awoke today so grateful for the abundance of comforts in my life—my wonderful bed and my sanctuary apartment. The blessed support groups I belong to and my open heart to the divine unknown.

Yet, as is common after waking, almost immediately following those feelings of wonder came feelings of lack. The mind does this, right? As soon as my heart opens up, my ego becomes afraid and thinks it still has to keep me safe. It says to me, “Why do you feel blessed? You know you’re not where you want to be.” and “How will you make enough money or ever have companionship again?”

Well, I have learned enough about my ego to know that whatever it says is a bunch of bunk.

It’s my soul that tells me what’s real, and I have trusted myself and the Universe for long enough to know that my abundance is already out there. Yup, it’s just waiting for me. So I am very conscious and aware when I am not in that high vibration to attract it into my life.

So here’s the thing…..

I am an excellent student—always have been. I am the one who  gets straight A’s. I’m the over-achiever, the uber-prepared and the problem solver because I felt I had to prove my worth. But even though  I can feel my truth now, I am still trying to get that perfect “A” –this time on my spiritual journey of self-healing.

When people ask me, “Oh, are you dating anyone yet?” I automatically say, “Oh no! I still have so much more healing and work to do on myself.”

Them: “Got any plans this weekend? Wanna go to the movies?”

Me: “Oh, sorry. I have so much to writing to catch up on for my Blog.”

Them: “Wanna go for a drink after work?”

Me: “Wow, I wish I could. I have 3 self-help courses I’m working on right now.”

What is that?

That feels like a block to me. Am I telling myself (and the Universe) that I am not ready to move on—that I’m not enough yet?  Am I closing myself off under the strictness and discipline of “getting better”?

It feels like a suppression. A denial of what my soul actually wants–to have fun and receive!

Receive! Receive! Receive! Yes, it has been long enough now and I am passionate to receive the love and joy I have to give. And I am ready to be in the flow of allowing and instead of trying so hard. Nothing is going to pass me by because I go out to dinner with a friend. I’m not going to backtrack and fall under someone’s spell again if I lean toward what feels light to my spirit.

So even though I want to find out more about the young woman in me who wasn’t aware she was being manipulated and tricked and silenced, I also want to be free and to welcome joy and love into my life again. There is no “done now!” in self-exploration. I don’t have to wait for all the answers before I allow myself to accept love and be more playful and joyous. I don’t have to take my healing so seriously. And I don’t have to choose one over the other.

I know that the unravelling of falsehoods naturally begins in the presence of attracting and receiving Joy. This is the place where I heal the most—this open space of allowing light into my life.

So this is the place where I get to “lighten up”! This is where I get to have fun! Be playful! Goof off!

This is the place where I remember who I am.

This is the place where I raise my vibration for all I desire and all I want to gift.

This is the place where I get to live my soul’s purpose.

Today I choose light over heavy in all aspects of my life and I know my outer world will  mirror my inner condition.

Gratitude and Wisdom From My Greatest Teacher

It’s the day before Thanksgiving and gratitude and sadness coexist so easily in my heart.

As I look ahead to tomorrow, I am reminded of years past when I would be cooking sweet potatoes and planning dinner for my husband and me. When I am alone I find my heart missing the parts of him that I still love. The healing is so slow and painful, yet I welcome it in, for it is also unwavering and infinite in its revelations.

Now that I am releasing the long-held comfort and burden of victimhood I realize that, through everything—even the risk of losing the marriage—he was always his authentic self. The good and the bad. In all our 32 years together he never tried to be anything but who he was–even if it hurt me.

But I tried to change him and I fought with myself to be anything I thought he wanted me to be, in an attempt to control his behavior. I wasn’t ready to make the decisions I needed to make for myself around what simply “was”.

Now that I am finally discovering what it’s like be myself, I get to see that he never wavered from being his, no matter the cost. I think part of me even respects that.

I believe that all our experiences are our teachers, so I sit in the wisdom and understanding of what I have chosen to learn.

And I sit in Gratitude.

I thank my ex-husband and my marriage. I am grateful for every experience and every decision I have made in my life–for they were all intended to bring me here, where I can discover my best self. And I am on it!

I graciously accept yet another lesson from the greatest teacher of my life.

Wanna Ask a Shaman Anything You Want? I Did!

The first of a 3 part interview with Shaman and friend Jennifer B. Monahan, author of “This Trip Will Change Your Life”. Here, Jennifer explains the history of Shamanism, what it is and how it can help  us heal, and introduces us to the mysterious stranger that led her to her calling

For the audio version of this interview, click here: https://www.aheartbasedlife.com/interviews/

Lorna:  I’m here with my friend, and shaman, Jennifer B. Monahan. I would like to share some of her story with you and learn more about her at the same time. So, hi Jennifer.

Jennifer:  Hi.

Lorna:  I’m so glad to see you again. So Jennifer just returned from Guatemala and she’s back in San Francisco for a couple of weeks before she goes on her next exploration, which I’ll ask her about. So, first thing I want to know is what is a Shaman? How would you answer to that?

Jennifer:  Yes. Shamans have been around since the beginning of time and every indigenous culture in the world has their version of a Shaman. They may call it a Shaman or medicine man or woman or a witch or voodoo or whatever. But basically, what a Shaman is, is somebody who works with the spirit world to help bring about healing whether that healing is for an individual or community or even the planet.

Lorna:  And that’s it. It’s that simple.

Jennifer:  It’s that simple.

Lorna:  (laughing) I expected it to be a longer answer.

Jennifer:  No, it’s that simple but obviously there’s a lot more behind it. So, what a Shaman does is they will enter an altered state of reality. I use drumming. So, either I have a person there who is drumming for me so I don’t have to focus on that or I use an MP3 of drumming but that drumming allows me to get into a state where I’m more receptive and open and able to communicate with the spirit world.

Lorna:  And is that still a state of awareness or would you call it a trance?

Jennifer:  I’d say more trance than awareness. The way I describe it is that, you know when you’re falling asleep but you’re still awake but you’re in that in that kind of twilight zone and in between, it’s kind of like that but the difference is that I am still completely in control. I am fully aware of everything whereas in that twilight zone, you’re just kind of drifting along and you’re not really guiding anything. With a Shamanic experience, when I go on a shamanic journey and enter that altered state of reality, I’m fully aware and what I’m doing is I’m calling in my guides, my spirit guides, my power animals, ancestors. I’m calling in the guides of the person that I’m working with and say, “Okay, here’s what we’re working on today. Suzie Q. is having this problem and let’s work together to help heal it.”
What they do is they, 99% of the time, give me what the root cause is. So, I could have a client that I’m working with who is recovering from breast cancer and you could say, “Oh, the problem is cancer cells.” Well no, actually in a particular case of one client, the problem was that this woman didn’t know how to love herself.

Lorna:  Exactly, and it was manifesting in the physical body.

Jennifer:  So, and it manifested as breast cancer. So, they help me get to the root cause.
Then we work to begin the healing process. Sometimes the healing can be instantaneous and sometimes it takes time and I can guarantee you that pretty much every time, it requires whoever the individual is that I’m working with to make changes to their life.

Lorna:  Right, to participate in the healing on their end.

Jennifer:  They have to participate in the healing.

Lorna:  And that state that you’re talking about like when you’re almost falling asleep, that’s kind of the state where sometimes a lot of answers come in—like answers to problems that you haven’t been able to figure out and you’re just like almost falling asleep and you’re thinking, “Oh my God. I know what to do about that.”

Jennifer:  Yes and the reason for that is because in our human forms, we vibrate at a certain level. Let’s say that our level is 100 for lack of any other kind of description, right?

Lorna:  Yes.

Jennifer:  The ascended masters and the guides and things that are in spirit form are at a much higher level. They’re vibrating at a much higher level and let’s say 500, right?

Lorna:  Okay.

Jennifer:  When we are in that zone, whether it’s through a trauma induced trance or we’re starting to fall asleep, we’re actually shedding our … I’m going to say our physical body. We’re still part of it, of course, but we’re breaking free of the weightiness of physicality and we’re vibrating higher. So maybe we’re getting up to say 250 and these numbers are just an example. They don’t mean anything.
But then it’s easier for our guys to come down and communicate because it’s worked for them to lower their vibration and get heavier just like it’s worked for us to break out of our physical vibration level and move up.
So, it’s kind of a meeting in the middle wherever the middle ends up being.
And then, it’s easier for them to communicate.

Lorna:  Wow.

Jennifer:  Yes.

Lorna:  And so, when we are vibrating higher, aren’t we getting more in touch with our true selves because we are actually … we’re actually spirits…

Read more Wanna Ask a Shaman Anything You Want? I Did!

How I Am Turning Anger Into Love

I have been learning a few things about anger lately and something transformative is happening. I am finding my voice.

Anger has been emotionally and physically trying to work its way up from deep inside me, where I pushed it down a long time ago.

I didn’t even know I had it, much less pushed it down. As a kid, I was just trying to be “good” and not do anything that would upset anyone. I was told to “be quiet”, and “leave well enough alone” and “don’t make matters worse”.

I remember times when I tried to express my anger and I was laughed at—like I couldn’t possibly be serious. Or I felt humiliated after being ignored while I courageously risked pouring my heart out.

And I also remember the times when I was attacked.

I learned that if I said something that someone else didn’t like, they left, so I tried to keep my Dad and, later, my husband from leaving.

So, way back then, my little girl mind made a decision. Other people were allowed to be angry, but it wasn’t safe for me to do the same. I decided that anger was bad and I was a bad person for feeling it.

On a search for safety and validation, I became the perpetually positive one, the popular one, and the one that never wanted to cause any trouble.

“See, you have no reason to leave—I’m being perfect!”

“Aren’t you ever in a bad mood?”, I remember people asking.

Nope. I’m an anxious, strung-out overachiever, but bad mood—never.

Talk about exhausting.

And then there are the social cues, right? Good girls don’t get angry. Good girls are calm. Good girls please. I decided I should have equanimity at all times.

Ok, so check this out—here’s the dictionary.com definition of equanimity:

noun

1.

mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium.

So, I have to admit, being a student of meditation, this is a concept I completely hope to embody—to be the tree right?  Solidly rooted in the ground, just swaying with the wind instead of being uprooted by it.

But when I think about trying to be this symbol of ease and resilience in order to prop myself and everyone else up, I feel a deep sadness for my little girl—and even for my big girl—who didn’t know any better.

One thing I have learned in my spiritual life is that if you feel lost, out of touch with your true self, and overwhelmed by the the physical and emotional transformation happening inside of you, you should:

  1. witness the fear
  2. ask for, and be open to receiving help
  3. surrender it to the Universe

Very soon after doing just that, I found myself talking to a very wise person who taught me things I never knew about anger.

Here’s what I have learned over the last 2 weeks (yes only 2 weeks!)

Read more How I Am Turning Anger Into Love

Nice Try, Alcohol–But I’m Recovering My Everything

Well, alcohol, it took 55 years but I can finally say that you did not—and will not—take me down.

I’ll give you credit, you don’t give up. You are very quiet and cunning.

When I was a child, you convinced my father to choose you over me, and no matter how hard I tried to show him I was worth it, I saw him forget about me time and time again. It didn’t matter if it was a birthday party or a confirmation or an entire weekend—you ruined it all.

Everything always revolved around you.

You slither into the lives of the weak and the troubled. You prey on their confusion and fear by disguising yourself as a helpful and trusted friend. I’ve let you do that to me too.

You pose as a comfort and a confidant—but all you really do is trick people into going to a dark place where they depend on you and only you.

Well you may be disappointed to know this, but no matter how hard you tried, you didn’t ruin my life after all.

Because I am taking your crazy and FLIPPING IT into Read more Nice Try, Alcohol–But I’m Recovering My Everything

Someone Was Trying To Steal My Power! (Part 2)

Sometimes a miracle presents itself in the form of the perfect lesson. This time it’s about standing in my power.

My body is like a loudspeaker.

In a previous post (Part One of this Universal lesson) my physical symptoms of illness were screaming at me that I was allowing something in my life that was detrimental to my well being. I had just described to a friend how I keep attracting people in my life who demean and overpower me so I can learn the lesson of how to stand up for myself and speak my mind and find my voice, and she says that if I understand all that then I have already learned the lesson and I can go now!

What?

God, I was thinking that I need to stick around and keep practicing! I felt like I hadn’t sacrificed enough or suffered through enough. After all, I spent a lot longer doing this with my Dad and my ex husband, so it didn’t feel normal to think I could just move on once I felt I was being bullied here too.

But my normal is to tolerate the intolerable. 

Hang in there. Make it work. Tough it out. Just don’t make waves (or rock the boat, or upset the apple cart—whatever). Just be quiet.

But not anymore. Just because I learned those beliefs as a child (and carried them into my marriage) doesn’t mean they have to be my identity now. Once I realized that I can actually choose not to have this energy in my life instead of asking for more homework, I felt so free. That’s what I’ve been talking about—only allowing positive energy in my life. And then it dawned on me there’s more than one way to make this happen. But first things first.

If I don’t feel good, I’d better stop attracting crap.

It doesn’t even matter if I understand why I don’t feel good. I just need to go in the opposite direction. So I can choose to release this relationship because my vibration is not a match for this anymore or I can shield myself from this person’s energy and choose to address the disrespect as it happens. Stand in my truth and see what unfolds. I’ve been here before. I’ve believed in the highest good for all and the Universe has answered me.

And here’s the lesson.

I’m not a victim of anyone else’s abuse unless I choose to be. My only job is to stay in JOY. The only thing that matters is feeling good because that’s my guidance, no matter what choice I make to get there and stay there. If I feel good, I am aligned with my truth.

It’s not going to be easy, but I like that. I get to practice!

BTW. No more stomach issues.

Someone Is Trying To Steal My Power and I’m Standing in My Worth

Have you ever felt like someone is trying to take your power away? Like you looked away for just a second and you suddenly realize that you feel manipulated?

I have been in a state of agitation all week.

I’ve been feeling like I am out of touch with my spirituality and I have lost my empowerment. You know what I mean? Like you know you are still in there somewhere, but you can’t remember how to get back to her?

There are people who continue to enter my life who challenge me and allow me to more closely examine my resilience and who test my sense of self worth. As I stand more in my truth and make decisions that honor me, I have to expect that they might not sit right with someone else. This person is not holding back in sending me very forceful messages that I should cut that crap out.

I knew it was there from the beginning— truth does not live with this person.

There is no one to trust here but me. I have been able to rise above the negativity for the most part by detaching, walking away from bad behavior, and turning fear into love. But now it feels like a subtle assault, worming its way more and more into my consciousness until I feel I am using all my spiritual capital just to transmute the antagonism.

For the last week I have felt nausea and stomach pains and I have not been able to digest my food. My chest is tight and my heart pounds.

I know that this is the physical manifestation of the negative energy that is passing through me. 

It’s all landing in my solar plexus which is associated with one’s personal power, taking responsibility for one’s life, establishing direction and confidence. God, this is perfect. It’s my intuition.

My old story is that I have allowed myself to shrink under someone else’s aggression.

Well, I won’t do that anymore. 

Wow! That sounds strong, right? (I’m practicing—it felt good!)

So, again, I welcome another opportunity to practice standing in my confidence and learning to use positive intention to set boundaries for myself.

Now I just have to do it.

Has anyone else faced something like this? I’d love to hear what you did.

Please leave a comment!

5 Truths My Gay Friend Taught Me About Coming Out

The Slow Unfolding of My Truth After Divorce

 

A year before my divorce I could never have imagined that I would  leave my husband. I had no idea that a power greater than myself was preparing me for a journey alone into an unrecognizable life. For years I would wonder what was wrong with me ;  why I could never get anything right and kept screwing things up in our relationship. No matter what I tried, we always seemed to end up in the same place — him being angry with me and me apologizing for whatever it was that I had done.

Looking back, I think the first flicker of awareness that my perpetual anxiety and confusion wasn’t normal was when a friend said to me one day, “Whenever you feel confused, you are not honoring your soul.” Oh my God, that’s it! At that moment, a deep truth washed over me and, for the first time in years, I knew I wasn’t crazy.

Since that day, these soul messages continued to present themselves. Slowly and deliberately, little jolts of “knowing” would appear, confirming that something just wasn’t right — preparing me for the deep spiritual awakening that was unfolding in me. Finally, after years of looking the other way, I started paying attention to the inner voice I never thought I had. Once I acknowledged it’s authenticity, I never looked back.

Starting my life over as a single woman at 55 years old, it would be very easy to be afraid — to fall into a pattern of solitude, loneliness and self-doubt, because there is grief. Intense waves of grief — true enough. And when I am consumed by the realization that I was never courageous enough to find my voice and to be who I wanted to be in my marriage, or that I will never have the “happily ever after” future I envisioned, it would be a lot less painful to do whatever I could to hide the wounds that I don’t want to see.

Read more 5 Truths My Gay Friend Taught Me About Coming Out

Evolving Emancipation

A year and a half ago I thought I was lost. When I left my 32 year marriage at the age of 55 all I saw was what I had left behind and I couldn’t see who I could be without my identity in that relationship.

My therapist wrote me a promise one day and I thought her ideas were lofty.

It spoke of rising up and taking on heartache for all it’s worth to flush out the falsehoods and emancipate myself from painful patterns that I was unable to face until now. She said I would look back and speak a prayer of gratitude for turning the worst thing that ever happened to me into the best.

I didn’t believe her then, but she was right. I am doing just that.

Now I follow my spirit and shine my light.

I am going to share what I have learned from the energy shift that happened in me and how I followed my inner guidance, regardless of fear, and trusted the unknown path ahead.

One of my first thrills was moving in to my own apartment, and feeling an overwhelming joy when I first opened my very own empty refrigerator. To me, it represented the excitement and anticipation of all that I was going to fill my life with. It starts with being alone. To ask myself “what do I even like, anyway?” I didn’t even know.

And thus begins the journey of self discovery.

I relish my own space, even through the pain of loneliness, because when I meet my match I will have used this time alone to heal myself and connect with my spirit.

One step at a time, my love.

Be Great or Stay Small-I’m Getting Rid of My Bully

As I continue in my new single life of self-discovery, I’ve been thinking a lot about my biggest bully–self-sabotage.

Yup, I’m just gonna put it out there! See, some of what I have gained from delving deep into my soul over the last year and a half have been these “big reveals” of some hard core stuff—and sometimes, when something is really big, I don’t want to see it. Then not wanting to see it creates anxiety and separation and anxiety and separation create fear and confusion and fear and confusion create grief and loss and then I need a break.

Thankfully, I finally understand that there are two sides of me that keep wrestling around in my head. They act like they are trying to help me, but sometimes they end up confusing me even more. Why would I be thankful? Because, after many years of feeling like a crazy person, it is actually a relief to finally realize this very simple truth—one “me” wants me to be great and the other “me” wants me to stay small. That’s it! That’s the big secret.

I know! It’s nothing more than that and at the same time, it’s everything.

So we all know something about this, right? We all know about the ego and how it’s just this image we have of ourselves, but it’s not the real us. And that the real us doesn’t tell us lies like we’re not good enough or that we need to change. So, now that I know this, I can choose which me I want to take advice from! Brilliant! Actually, I am astonished that it has taken me so long to figure this out because both of these “me’s” have been right here my whole life, so you’d think I’d have made their acquaintance by now.

But here’s the thing. Sometimes the hardest part of changing and creating a new version of myself is tending to the wounds that keep me from being comfortable in that bright light of greatness that all of us were born with. It’s hard. It’s hard to be awake to the automatic tendency to defer to the “shadow” parts of me, born from what I learned in the past. Like when I was told not to be “too big for my britches” or “don’t get so excited” or maybe I should “settle down”.  These are the dark parts of me that I unknowingly inherited as a protection from circumstances that I didn’t understand.

But when I am losing myself in something that I love—when I look up to find that hours have gone by and I think “where did they go?” that’s when I am connecting with the other side of me. The Bright Side that tingles and thrills and creates and loves. And the reason I am tingling and thrilling and creating and loving is because I am communicating with my soul and I have tapped into my purpose.

I’m not sure, who said “old habits are hard to break” but I do know that the old familiar shadow “me” is a habit. Just when I am feeling spot on, she walks right in like she owns the place!  She starts bullying me, then suddenly the feeling of elation begins to fade and self-sabotaging thoughts are just there! Seriously—just like that! I mean, how dare she? Sure, I gave her a lot of credit in the past and maybe I let her think she was the boss, but she can’t just stroll in here like that anymore!

The problem is she doesn’t know that yet.

But she doesn’t know this either.

She doesn’t know that the prize for my dedication to self-development is that now I know that I can watch for her and see her coming. I can tell her that, no, I am NOT going to call that old friend who is always negative and brings me back down, where I am more comfortable. And, no, I am NOT going to have another glass of wine instead of writing or reading or meditating or going for a walk. And, no, I am NOT going to watch just one more hour of the news instead of doing yoga.

She doesn’t know that I am going to choose the LIGHT now, and not the dark. But she’s learning. Because I am too.

I am learning that I am not meant to stay small and that I am supposed to have my own voice. And that I don’t have to avoid what is uncomfortable so I won’t get hurt. And I don’t have to defend and protect myself anymore, because I am safe. And I am learning how to find my worth within myself instead of outside of me. So I don’t think I want her around much anymore.

Yet even though this is true, I want her to know that I love her. She is a part of me and I want to know more about both of those “me’s”—the one that wants to shine and the one that is afraid to. I don’t think I have to worry about her going away any time soon, but now I want to be the one to invite her in or not.

She could have a magical lesson to teach and who doesn’t like a little magic?