Dear Precious One,
It’s ok that you are sad. It’s ok that you are lonely. You are feeling this way because you are having the courage to step outside of what you know and follow your soul’s guidance.
You are light.
I know it has felt like you have been begging to be loved for so long. You want so much to feel relevant and valid and you long to be seen and heard by the person who loves you. But if you find that in yourself first, you will see that the person who loves you the most is you. Self love and self acceptance is what you are here to learn now, then you will see it all around you. Then you will see it from others.
You have gained so much in the last 2 years. You have come so far.
Remember when you left Mexico and you stood there and you said goodbye? Your heart was on the ground but you went anyway. You are crying now as you write this because it was a breaking of your own heart, and the hardest thing you have ever done or ever imagined having to do.
How do you leave when you still love someone? Yet you did.
Your ego could have tolerated more but your soul was dying. When you were ready to see that, you became brave. You trusted what you felt and you blindly walked into your future. You became aware and conscious.
You are light.
Yes it is so scary. And so very lonely.
I know you want that love for yourself–the kind of love you felt for him. You want someone to love you that way, too.
But that’s the thing, don’t you see?
It is inside YOU–all that love for yourself has to be found in YOU. The love for you COMES from you and it be will be even MORE than you felt for him! And then–when you feel it from deep in your soul, you will be in your joy and in your truth and THEN you will feel it from another. You will automatically attract it because you won’t need it to complete you.
When you are in that higher vibration, then it will come.
But you are learning that it is both painful and joyous to love yourself.
I know you are blaming yourself for all those times that you stayed in the trauma. But those times when you sacrificed yourself trying to help the ones you loved–when you let other people treat you with disrespect–you know what? Those times had to happen for you to see what your soul really wanted.
Each time you gave yourself away and lost pieces of your heart , little sparks of awareness were rising up.
That was the beginning of your emergence!
You are light.
It all happened exactly how it needed to happen.
I know you grieve for the amount of time that has passed and for how old you are now. You feel like it is so late in life. You feel guilty because you knew for so long but you didn’t do anything,
You can forgive yourself now because I am telling you, this couldn’t have happened any sooner than it did. You hadn’t hit your bottom yet. You hadn’t learned everything you needed to learn from him–and yourself.
But as you learned, your vibration got higher and higher because you realized that you were joy and light.
You stayed because you loved him, and you left when your soul told you it was time. No sooner.
And see? The marriage was perfect for you at the time and served the exact purpose you asked it to serve. You weren’t supposed to leave until you left.
The universe has a plan and it knows so much more than you do about what is waiting for you. You are at exactly the right age to help the group of people who will benefit from your experience.
So always remember that
You are light.
Plus, so much more is being healed than the loss of your 32 year marriage. You are healing from a lifetime of unconscious beliefs that made that relationship perfect for you to begin with.
But then it was not. Then you became aware.
And you began reading the things your soul guided you to read
And you were led to understand a purpose much bigger than trying to figure out what to do next or where to go.
So feeling unheard and unseen is part of your journey. Maybe you weren’t meant to be seen and heard by him. You will use the awareness of that to arrive home inside of you.
It is a slow journey but you will be surprised and elated when you see what is waiting for you.
You are light.
And I know you are so afraid for him, but he will be OK. His destiny is certain, also. He is being guided and watched, just like you. You can let go of your fears for him because it was never you who could have made his journey a smooth one–it was him. It is all of us. You can forgive yourself for his pain. His pain is his, not yours. I know it’s hard to relinquish responsibility for someone else. That is one of the big lessons that you are learning.
But look at all the old negative beliefs that you are tackling now!
You used to think you had to do more and more and more to prove yourself worthy of love and respect. Now you see where that came from and you can open the friggin’ door and let that one go, knowing it isn’t who you really are.
You used to think you had to fix someone’s pain and sacrifice yourself to prove your love and devotion. But now you have learned how to detach and allow others the dignity of finding their own way.
You beat yourself up when you forget to set boundaries for yourself but, remember, you are unlearning lifelong patterns, and every time you choose to set those boundaries, you see the power in that choice.
So all the pain you are feeling–all the pressure in your chest and the aching in your solar plexus--it’s your heart acknowledging your loss and it’s you stepping into more of your personal power and identity. It’s your body and your soul feeling all the guilt and the shame and the fear and the sorrow and the courage it takes to leave the past behind and let all that go. It’s your body changing.
It’s time! It’s time to let that all go.
So be kind to yourself. Be patient with all the time it takes to feel and release these feelings. But remember:
You are light and your only job is to stay in light.
You will be OK. You will be amazing. You ARE amazing.
So just keep doing the next thing that feels amazing and then the next and the next and you will shine your light so bright.
When you are 100 years old, looking back on this time in your life, you will be able to see all that you have created from this new space of healing. Trusting yourself and Universal guidance is your grounding force.
I love you,