A Love Letter to Myself

Dear Precious One,

It’s ok that you are sad. It’s ok that you are lonely. You are feeling this way because you are having the courage to step outside of what you know and follow your soul’s guidance.

You are light.

I know it has felt like you have been begging to be loved for so long. You want so much to feel relevant and valid and you long to be seen and heard by the person who loves you. But if you find that in yourself first, you will see that the person who loves you the most is you. Self love and self acceptance is what you are here to learn now, then you will see it all around you. Then you will see it from others.

You have gained so much in the last 2 years. You have come so far.

Remember when you left Mexico and you stood there and you said goodbye? Your heart was on the ground but you went anyway. You are crying now as you write this because it was a breaking of your own heart, and the hardest thing you have ever done or ever imagined having to do.

How do you leave when you still love someone? Yet you did.

Your ego could have tolerated more but your soul was dying. When you were ready to see that, you became brave. You trusted what you felt and you blindly walked into your future. You became aware and conscious.

You are light.

Yes it is so scary. And so very lonely.

I know you want that love for yourself–the kind of love you felt for him. You want someone to love you that way, too.

But that’s the thing, don’t you see?

It is inside YOU–all that love for yourself has to be found in YOU. The love for you COMES from you and it be will be even MORE than you felt for him! And then–when you feel it from deep in your soul, you will be in your joy and in your truth and THEN you will feel it from another.  You will automatically attract it  because you won’t need it to complete you.

When you are in that higher vibration, then it will come.

But you are learning that it is both painful and joyous to love yourself.

I know you are blaming yourself for all those times that you stayed in the trauma. But those times when you sacrificed yourself trying to help the ones you loved–when you let other people treat you with disrespect–you know what? Those times had to happen for you to see what your soul really wanted.

Each time you gave yourself away and lost pieces of your heart , little sparks of awareness were rising up.

That was the beginning of your emergence!

You are light.

It all happened exactly how it needed to happen.

I know you grieve for the amount of time that has passed and for how old you are now. You feel like it is so late in life. You feel guilty because you knew for so long but you didn’t do anything,

You can forgive yourself now because I am telling you, this couldn’t have happened any sooner than it did. You hadn’t hit your bottom yet. You hadn’t learned everything you needed to learn from him–and yourself.

But as you learned, your vibration got higher and higher because you realized that you were joy and light.

You stayed because you loved him, and you left when your soul told you it was time. No sooner.

And see? The marriage was perfect for you at the time and served the exact purpose you asked it to serve. You weren’t supposed to leave until you left.

The universe has a plan and it knows so much more than you do about what is waiting for you. You are at exactly the right age to help the group of people who will benefit from your experience.

So always remember that

You are light.

Plus, so much more is being healed than the loss of your 32 year marriage. You are healing from a lifetime of unconscious beliefs that made that relationship perfect for you to begin with.

But then it was not. Then you became aware.

And you began reading the things your soul guided you to read

And you were led to understand a purpose much bigger than trying to figure out what to do next or where to go.

So feeling unheard and unseen is part of your journey. Maybe you weren’t meant to be seen and heard by him. You will use the awareness of that to arrive home inside of you.

It is a slow journey but you will be surprised and elated when you see what is waiting for you.

You are light.

And I know you are so afraid for him, but he will be OK. His destiny is certain, also. He is being guided and watched, just like you. You can let go of your fears for him because it was never you who could have made his journey a smooth one–it was him. It is all of us. You can forgive yourself for his pain. His pain is his, not yours.  I know it’s hard to relinquish responsibility for someone else. That is one of the big lessons that you are learning.

But look at all the old negative beliefs that you are tackling now!

You used to think you had to do more and more and more to prove yourself worthy of love and respect. Now you see where that came from and you can open the friggin’ door and let that one go, knowing it isn’t who you really are.

You used to think you had to fix someone’s pain and sacrifice yourself to prove your love and devotion. But now you have learned how to detach and allow others the dignity of finding their own way.

You beat yourself up when you forget to set boundaries for yourself but, remember,  you are unlearning lifelong patterns, and every time you choose to set those boundaries, you see the power in that choice.

So all the pain you are feeling–all the pressure in your chest and the aching in your solar plexus--it’s your heart acknowledging your loss and it’s you stepping into more of your personal power and identity.  It’s your body and your soul feeling all the guilt and the shame and the fear and the sorrow and the courage it takes to leave the past behind and let all that go. It’s your body changing.

It’s time! It’s time to let that all go.

So be kind to yourself. Be patient with all the time it takes to feel and release these feelings. But remember:

You are light and your only job is to stay in light.

You will be OK. You will be amazing. You ARE amazing.

So just keep doing the next thing that feels amazing and then the next and the next and you will shine your light so bright.

When you are 100 years old, looking back on this time in your life, you will be able to see all that you have created from this new space of healing. Trusting yourself and Universal guidance is your grounding force.

I love you,

Yourself

 

 

 

 

Nice Try, Alcohol–But I’m Recovering My Everything

Well, alcohol, it took 55 years but I can finally say that you did not—and will not—take me down.

I’ll give you credit, you don’t give up. You are very quiet and cunning.

When I was a child, you convinced my father to choose you over me, and no matter how hard I tried to show him I was worth it, I saw him forget about me time and time again. It didn’t matter if it was a birthday party or a confirmation or an entire weekend—you ruined it all.

Everything always revolved around you.

You slither into the lives of the weak and the troubled. You prey on their confusion and fear by disguising yourself as a helpful and trusted friend. I’ve let you do that to me too.

You pose as a comfort and a confidant—but all you really do is trick people into going to a dark place where they depend on you and only you.

Well you may be disappointed to know this, but no matter how hard you tried, you didn’t ruin my life after all.

Because I am taking your crazy and FLIPPING IT into Read more Nice Try, Alcohol–But I’m Recovering My Everything

Are You Trusting Your Intuition About Your Marriage?

A year before my divorce I never thought that I would leave my husband.

We were so in love—and also addicted to each other. We moved 5 times in the first 5 years we were married, and never made any friends outside of the relationship. We did everything together. Colleagues would ask me to go to lunch or go for a drink after work and I would automatically refuse, not even knowing why. I just knew we didn’t do that.

I see now how it happened. How we attracted each other, and how our relationship was perfect for what we needed to learn. I wanted someone so dominant that I wouldn’t have to build up the courage to find my voice, and he needed someone who would be willing to take the blame and never challenge him to look at himself.

Eventually we got sucked into a vortex of repetitive behavior that can kill a marriage—me trying to save someone who didn’t want to be saved, then dedicating my life to changing myself when it didn’t work. It was an instinctive and synchronized dance of destruction.

As a result, I lost myself. I revolved my life around him so much that I could no longer see myself as a distinct and separate person and I couldn’t identify how I felt about anything. The thought of having my own opinion felt too threatening to our connection, so, instead, I lost the ability to separate my own feelings and experiences from “ours”.

When everything fell apart, I was grief stricken and scared to death. I didn’t want to believe I was starting over. I remember the day I left. It was like I was being pulled away by a force so strong that I just—went. But I didn’t understand. Why was I doing this? What was giving me the strength to go?  What was I going to do next? Yet there was this inexplicable feeling of knowing that was so clear.

It’s amazing to me how slowly and carefully life is revealing the secrets of my individuality. It somehow knows that I need a hell of a long time to grieve then, just as the sadness begins to lift, it shows me step by step how to embrace the parts of me I have always loved, but had chosen to keep small. It feels like I am being nurtured and coddled by someone who knows much more than I do about life, but is giving me the chance to figure things out for myself.

Here are some absolute truths that have been revealed to me over the past year and a half.

Read more Are You Trusting Your Intuition About Your Marriage?

Someone Was Trying To Steal My Power! (Part 2)

Sometimes a miracle presents itself in the form of the perfect lesson. This time it’s about standing in my power.

My body is like a loudspeaker.

In a previous post (Part One of this Universal lesson) my physical symptoms of illness were screaming at me that I was allowing something in my life that was detrimental to my well being. I had just described to a friend how I keep attracting people in my life who demean and overpower me so I can learn the lesson of how to stand up for myself and speak my mind and find my voice, and she says that if I understand all that then I have already learned the lesson and I can go now!

What?

God, I was thinking that I need to stick around and keep practicing! I felt like I hadn’t sacrificed enough or suffered through enough. After all, I spent a lot longer doing this with my Dad and my ex husband, so it didn’t feel normal to think I could just move on once I felt I was being bullied here too.

But my normal is to tolerate the intolerable. 

Hang in there. Make it work. Tough it out. Just don’t make waves (or rock the boat, or upset the apple cart—whatever). Just be quiet.

But not anymore. Just because I learned those beliefs as a child (and carried them into my marriage) doesn’t mean they have to be my identity now. Once I realized that I can actually choose not to have this energy in my life instead of asking for more homework, I felt so free. That’s what I’ve been talking about—only allowing positive energy in my life. And then it dawned on me there’s more than one way to make this happen. But first things first.

If I don’t feel good, I’d better stop attracting crap.

It doesn’t even matter if I understand why I don’t feel good. I just need to go in the opposite direction. So I can choose to release this relationship because my vibration is not a match for this anymore or I can shield myself from this person’s energy and choose to address the disrespect as it happens. Stand in my truth and see what unfolds. I’ve been here before. I’ve believed in the highest good for all and the Universe has answered me.

And here’s the lesson.

I’m not a victim of anyone else’s abuse unless I choose to be. My only job is to stay in JOY. The only thing that matters is feeling good because that’s my guidance, no matter what choice I make to get there and stay there. If I feel good, I am aligned with my truth.

It’s not going to be easy, but I like that. I get to practice!

BTW. No more stomach issues.

Someone Is Trying To Steal My Power and I’m Standing in My Worth

Have you ever felt like someone is trying to take your power away? Like you looked away for just a second and you suddenly realize that you feel manipulated?

I have been in a state of agitation all week.

I’ve been feeling like I am out of touch with my spirituality and I have lost my empowerment. You know what I mean? Like you know you are still in there somewhere, but you can’t remember how to get back to her?

There are people who continue to enter my life who challenge me and allow me to more closely examine my resilience and who test my sense of self worth. As I stand more in my truth and make decisions that honor me, I have to expect that they might not sit right with someone else. This person is not holding back in sending me very forceful messages that I should cut that crap out.

I knew it was there from the beginning— truth does not live with this person.

There is no one to trust here but me. I have been able to rise above the negativity for the most part by detaching, walking away from bad behavior, and turning fear into love. But now it feels like a subtle assault, worming its way more and more into my consciousness until I feel I am using all my spiritual capital just to transmute the antagonism.

For the last week I have felt nausea and stomach pains and I have not been able to digest my food. My chest is tight and my heart pounds.

I know that this is the physical manifestation of the negative energy that is passing through me. 

It’s all landing in my solar plexus which is associated with one’s personal power, taking responsibility for one’s life, establishing direction and confidence. God, this is perfect. It’s my intuition.

My old story is that I have allowed myself to shrink under someone else’s aggression.

Well, I won’t do that anymore. 

Wow! That sounds strong, right? (I’m practicing—it felt good!)

So, again, I welcome another opportunity to practice standing in my confidence and learning to use positive intention to set boundaries for myself.

Now I just have to do it.

Has anyone else faced something like this? I’d love to hear what you did.

Please leave a comment!

5 Truths My Gay Friend Taught Me About Coming Out

The Slow Unfolding of My Truth After Divorce

 

A year before my divorce I could never have imagined that I would  leave my husband. I had no idea that a power greater than myself was preparing me for a journey alone into an unrecognizable life. For years I would wonder what was wrong with me ;  why I could never get anything right and kept screwing things up in our relationship. No matter what I tried, we always seemed to end up in the same place — him being angry with me and me apologizing for whatever it was that I had done.

Looking back, I think the first flicker of awareness that my perpetual anxiety and confusion wasn’t normal was when a friend said to me one day, “Whenever you feel confused, you are not honoring your soul.” Oh my God, that’s it! At that moment, a deep truth washed over me and, for the first time in years, I knew I wasn’t crazy.

Since that day, these soul messages continued to present themselves. Slowly and deliberately, little jolts of “knowing” would appear, confirming that something just wasn’t right — preparing me for the deep spiritual awakening that was unfolding in me. Finally, after years of looking the other way, I started paying attention to the inner voice I never thought I had. Once I acknowledged it’s authenticity, I never looked back.

Starting my life over as a single woman at 55 years old, it would be very easy to be afraid — to fall into a pattern of solitude, loneliness and self-doubt, because there is grief. Intense waves of grief — true enough. And when I am consumed by the realization that I was never courageous enough to find my voice and to be who I wanted to be in my marriage, or that I will never have the “happily ever after” future I envisioned, it would be a lot less painful to do whatever I could to hide the wounds that I don’t want to see.

Read more 5 Truths My Gay Friend Taught Me About Coming Out

Evolving Emancipation

A year and a half ago I thought I was lost. When I left my 32 year marriage at the age of 55 all I saw was what I had left behind and I couldn’t see who I could be without my identity in that relationship.

My therapist wrote me a promise one day and I thought her ideas were lofty.

It spoke of rising up and taking on heartache for all it’s worth to flush out the falsehoods and emancipate myself from painful patterns that I was unable to face until now. She said I would look back and speak a prayer of gratitude for turning the worst thing that ever happened to me into the best.

I didn’t believe her then, but she was right. I am doing just that.

Now I follow my spirit and shine my light.

I am going to share what I have learned from the energy shift that happened in me and how I followed my inner guidance, regardless of fear, and trusted the unknown path ahead.

One of my first thrills was moving in to my own apartment, and feeling an overwhelming joy when I first opened my very own empty refrigerator. To me, it represented the excitement and anticipation of all that I was going to fill my life with. It starts with being alone. To ask myself “what do I even like, anyway?” I didn’t even know.

And thus begins the journey of self discovery.

I relish my own space, even through the pain of loneliness, because when I meet my match I will have used this time alone to heal myself and connect with my spirit.

One step at a time, my love.

Jump Into The Pool Party Of Acceptance

I live in a very noisy apartment complex where just about everyone is under 30 (and I am not). Sometimes finding acceptance around that is tough.

Today, when the pool party started and my serenity slowly disappeared, I felt irritated, negative and angry. I started wondering what I could do to make them stop. Don’t I have a right to live in my apartment in peace? Don’t they even care that their loud music and raised voices are bothering others? How can people be so inconsiderate? And on and on.

Then all of a sudden I stopped and realized that there was nothing I could do about these dozens of people or about any other people in the world who are doing something I don’t like.

And if that’s true, then I am the creator of my own dis-ease. My own lack of serenity. Then if that’s true, how can I be the creator of my own peace?

Acceptance works better.

What serves me is to accept what is. And what is is that I choose to live here knowing about the pool, people are going to use the pool and I can either accept it or fight it. So I decide to accept it.

And and I end up wondering what my irritation could be here to teach me. And what it is teaching me is to remember what Abraham Hicks said. That what you think about you create and if you are feeling negative emotion that means you are negatively creating and if you are feeling positive emotion you are positively creating. So I decide I want to positively create.

I picture myself in the serene and calm writing environment I wish for and focus on how can I make this happen for myself. I test these options to see what feels right:

1.  I can close all my windows in the middle of summer (tried that—didn’t help)

2.  I can write some other time (no, I reserved this time to write)

3.  I can go somewhere else to write (possibly)

4.  I can listen to soothing music in my headphones while I write (YES!)

So that’s what I do. And lo and behold, I have serenity.

Abraham Hicks also says:

“Look at a problem as a question summoning an answer” (I love that one)

So, what is the question and what is the answer?

Question: How can this serve me instead of irritate me?

Answer: By focusing on what I don’t want I am able to see what I do want, then I can use this situation as a catalyst to push me to create what I need to do to propel me into the life and environment that I want. It is here to advance me. Then I actually said thank you to the party people for showing me what I need to know.

One last thing Abraham says: “Nothing you desire is upstream”. So I will let the paddles of the canoe go and it will naturally float to what is thriving—my health, my job, my friendships, my spirit, my writing.

Acceptance, it turns out, is a pretty good place to be.

Be Great or Stay Small-I’m Getting Rid of My Bully

As I continue in my new single life of self-discovery, I’ve been thinking a lot about my biggest bully–self-sabotage.

Yup, I’m just gonna put it out there! See, some of what I have gained from delving deep into my soul over the last year and a half have been these “big reveals” of some hard core stuff—and sometimes, when something is really big, I don’t want to see it. Then not wanting to see it creates anxiety and separation and anxiety and separation create fear and confusion and fear and confusion create grief and loss and then I need a break.

Thankfully, I finally understand that there are two sides of me that keep wrestling around in my head. They act like they are trying to help me, but sometimes they end up confusing me even more. Why would I be thankful? Because, after many years of feeling like a crazy person, it is actually a relief to finally realize this very simple truth—one “me” wants me to be great and the other “me” wants me to stay small. That’s it! That’s the big secret.

I know! It’s nothing more than that and at the same time, it’s everything.

So we all know something about this, right? We all know about the ego and how it’s just this image we have of ourselves, but it’s not the real us. And that the real us doesn’t tell us lies like we’re not good enough or that we need to change. So, now that I know this, I can choose which me I want to take advice from! Brilliant! Actually, I am astonished that it has taken me so long to figure this out because both of these “me’s” have been right here my whole life, so you’d think I’d have made their acquaintance by now.

But here’s the thing. Sometimes the hardest part of changing and creating a new version of myself is tending to the wounds that keep me from being comfortable in that bright light of greatness that all of us were born with. It’s hard. It’s hard to be awake to the automatic tendency to defer to the “shadow” parts of me, born from what I learned in the past. Like when I was told not to be “too big for my britches” or “don’t get so excited” or maybe I should “settle down”.  These are the dark parts of me that I unknowingly inherited as a protection from circumstances that I didn’t understand.

But when I am losing myself in something that I love—when I look up to find that hours have gone by and I think “where did they go?” that’s when I am connecting with the other side of me. The Bright Side that tingles and thrills and creates and loves. And the reason I am tingling and thrilling and creating and loving is because I am communicating with my soul and I have tapped into my purpose.

I’m not sure, who said “old habits are hard to break” but I do know that the old familiar shadow “me” is a habit. Just when I am feeling spot on, she walks right in like she owns the place!  She starts bullying me, then suddenly the feeling of elation begins to fade and self-sabotaging thoughts are just there! Seriously—just like that! I mean, how dare she? Sure, I gave her a lot of credit in the past and maybe I let her think she was the boss, but she can’t just stroll in here like that anymore!

The problem is she doesn’t know that yet.

But she doesn’t know this either.

She doesn’t know that the prize for my dedication to self-development is that now I know that I can watch for her and see her coming. I can tell her that, no, I am NOT going to call that old friend who is always negative and brings me back down, where I am more comfortable. And, no, I am NOT going to have another glass of wine instead of writing or reading or meditating or going for a walk. And, no, I am NOT going to watch just one more hour of the news instead of doing yoga.

She doesn’t know that I am going to choose the LIGHT now, and not the dark. But she’s learning. Because I am too.

I am learning that I am not meant to stay small and that I am supposed to have my own voice. And that I don’t have to avoid what is uncomfortable so I won’t get hurt. And I don’t have to defend and protect myself anymore, because I am safe. And I am learning how to find my worth within myself instead of outside of me. So I don’t think I want her around much anymore.

Yet even though this is true, I want her to know that I love her. She is a part of me and I want to know more about both of those “me’s”—the one that wants to shine and the one that is afraid to. I don’t think I have to worry about her going away any time soon, but now I want to be the one to invite her in or not.

She could have a magical lesson to teach and who doesn’t like a little magic?

Mind-Body Connection of Restorative Yoga Kicks Butt!

I just spent 3 full hours doing nothing but taking care of myself!

I know, I never have either! And all I did was sign up for a restorative yoga class.

I’ve taken short restorative classes before but this was three full hours of self-indulgent, self-loving, body and soul self-care.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with restorative yoga, it’s purpose is to “restore” the body and mind connection in stillness. It’s kind of like taking a nap with the perfect props to support every inch of your body.

When I walked in I was instructed to collect these things:

4 blankets

3 bolsters (long, thick pillows for supporting under the knees, for example)

a yoga mat

2 bean bags

2 eye pillows

2 very large square Euro-style pillows

a block

and a chair

A chair? Totally.

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what in the heck we were going to do with all those things but for the next 3 hours we did  just 4 poses, each one held for 20-30 minutes, and we used every last one of those props. The instructors adjusted each person individually and by the time they were through, every part of my body was perfectly supported and I felt weightless. It was the most comforting, peaceful, back-to the-womb feeling I have ever experienced.

Oh. And I’ve never done “legs up the wall” with a chair!

So, thank you, Restorative Yoga!

Thank you for helping my mind and body heal.

Thank you for making me feel like I had a 3 hour massage and all I did was lay there.

Thank you for letting me experience what it feels like to literally do nothing.

And thank you for reminding me that a quiet mind brings me back to who I am and allows perfect guidance to enter.

(If you’re wondering where this awesome class is and you live in the Bay Area, check out The Mindful Body Yoga and Massage Studio)